i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
