My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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