If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
