I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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