I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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