I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
