I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
