I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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