I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
