Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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