Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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