I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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