Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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