Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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