I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
