I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
