The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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