Will you blow on my dice?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
