I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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