you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
