I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
