My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
