I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
