My friends, they love my intelligence
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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