There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
