The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
