I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize