new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
