But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
