I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize