Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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