Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
