my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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