My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I could fuck to npr.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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