I want to make a zoo with you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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