I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
