the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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