I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Four minutes until I can fart!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
