Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
