YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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