it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize