Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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