More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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