Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
