Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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