someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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