There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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