Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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