The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
