I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
