i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
