Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
