I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
