we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
