my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize