My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
