and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
