Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
