i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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