apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
