The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
