his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
