I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
