My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I came so hard my ears popped.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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