I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
