her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
