She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
