when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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