Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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