New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
