please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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