This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
