The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
