I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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