So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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