god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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